I'm about to die
by Jukava
Summary: The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest. Songfic. What goes through Sirius' mind as his body fall backwards, behind the Veil ?


Thanks to the great Ellie who betaed .

Bold are JKR's words from OoTP

Italics are Radiohead's High and Dry

 **The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest.**

 **The laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock. It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall.**

Somebody told me that when you die, you see all the strongest moments of your life…

I remember when I was a child, all the arguments we had, Regulus and I, about our chocolate frog cards, while we were safely hiding at the back of the large garden of Number 12, Grimmauld Place. I wonder if the treasures we once buried at the foot of the big oak are still there…

I remember Regulus sniveling because he buried his treasure: Salazar Slytherin's card… His favorite wizard…

I remember the laughter on my first trip with the Hogwarts' Express. Meeting James… The one who became the brother that Regulus could never have been…

I remember our footsteps echoing through Hogwarts' stonefloored hallways as we were running from Filch until we couldn't breathe anymore, as he was running after us to punish us for one of our pranks….

I remember the howling of the beast in which Moony turned every full moon…

I remember James and Lily's fights. Those arguments which softened to become simple bickering… And their reconciliations... And, at last, their kisses…

I remember the soft Lily getting angry at me and complaining about my behavior, especially towards birds. How did it go?

" _Two jumps in a week! I bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you, boy?_ " I loved to infuriate her, she was even more beautiful when upset, with a flame burning behind her wonderful green eyes. She didn't like the life I've chosen to live and was not afraid to let me know. Pretty loudly, too. "You really think you're so wonderful? _Flying on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop?_ "

And one day, where I answered probably more cynically than ever, maybe – surely – too roughly, she snapped: " _You'd kill yourself for recognition_."

Now I know that she was right… I only volunteered for the most dangerous missions. Why? To prove that I was not an admirer of the Dark Arts like my family. To prove that I was a Black just by name. That I was better than them. That I was a true Gryffindor. That I belonged to the Order. I don't know… I don't know anymore…

Yes, I thought I was clever. I thought I was invincible. I had friends, I was loved. I was young, carefree… Foolhardy… I wasn't afraid of anything: not Voldemort, not death itself. " _You'd kill yourself to never ever stop._ " Lily told me in a fit of rage that I've chosen to blame on pregnancy mood swings. Now, I know that she was right… Unconsciously, I wished for the war to never end... We were in danger, but we were happy. United... Together… The Marauders and Lily… Lily and the Marauders… I should have died instead of them… I should have died for them… James... Lily… What have I done? What have I done to you?

Now, I'm going to die and the Wizarding World will still think that I was a traitor… That I've led the one who was like a brother to me and his wife to death. _I broke another mirror_. I'm the shadow of what I used to be… I drink to forget the ghost I've become. To forget my seclusion. " _You're turning into something you are not_ ," Remus told me, hoping to make me react. But I have nothing to cling to. Except Harry… Harry. He's the best thing I've ever had…

 **His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backwards through the ragged veil hanging from the arch.**

As I'm falling, I see Harry's eyes widen in stupor. I hear his gaze screaming at me not to die, not to abandon him only moments after we've found each other again. " _Don't leave me high… Don't leave me dry… Don't leave me high… Don't leave me dry…_ "

I'm not so vain as to believe that my death will change anything, except for Harry. I was just a burden for the Order. I was not allowed to go on missions. _Drying up in conversation_ , I was _the one who cannot talk…_ Nothing to say… Useless… Unnecessary… Futile… I knew nothing of the world outside the doors of that damned house. I'm a prisoner of the house of my hated ancestors. _All my insides fall to pieces… I'm just sitting there…_ Wishing what? _Wishing I could still make love_?

I had to watch them fight as I was confined in this place. Their pity, their patronizing gazes, their hypocritical words of comfort… They didn't fool me! And Snivelus! That filthy Death Eater Dumbledore forced me to tolerate in our Headquarters! If only…

Cold comfort... He was the only one who didn't change his behavior towards me: hateful, loathsome and hated… "Watch them, Black. All your so-called friends… _They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out_ again. You're nothing, Black! Never will the Wizarding World forgive you! Innocent or not. Murderer or not. They don't give a damn… _They're the ones who'll spit at you_. And _you will be the one screaming out_. Again… Just like when they send you to Azkaban." He enjoyed repeating this to me, hoping that I would lose my temper.

But I don't care about the others. I don't care about the Wizarding World. I don't care about Snape. About Dumbledore. About Voldemort. I have to protect Harry. He's the only one who matters… Harry…

I meet his gaze one last time, and in his beautiful green eyes, so like his mother's, I see only fear. In my mind, I hear him beg me. " _Don't live me high…Don't leave me dry… Don't leave me high… Don't leave me dry…"_

You're a fool, my poor Padfoot! Harry _is the best thing that you've ever had… The best thing that you've ever, ever had… He's the best thing that you've ever had… The best thing you've ever had has gone away._

 **Harry saw the look of mingled fear and surprise on his godfather's wasted, once handsome face as he fell through the ancient doorway and disappeared behind the veil, which fluttered for a moment as though in a high wind, then fell back into place.**

" _Don't live me high…Don't leave me dry… Don't leave me high… Don't leave me dry… Don't live me high…Don't leave me dry… Don't leave me high… Don't leave me dry…"_


End file.
